Week of July 6th to July 12.
ONE.
Victoria and David Beckham said they could not be happier for their 21-year-old son Brooklyn Beckham’s engagement to Nicola Peltz. But I know that if Brooklyn had waited a few years before proposing, say when he was 30, and if the two of them had been together for longer than 6 months, say at least 10 years, the Beckhams would be, in fact, happier.
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TWO.
Bill Hader and Rachel Bilson had an “amicable split” after less than a year of dating. Not really a big accomplishment, if you ask me. Anyone can have an “amicable split” after only dating for six months. You just throw away the toothbrush you bought for the other person for the 10 nights they stayed over and that’s that. All very amicably.
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THREE.
It was Sofia Vergara’s 48th birthday this week and her husband, Joe Manganiello said happy birthday to her on Twitter. Hopefully in person too.
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FOUR.
John Krasinski and Emily Blunt celebrated their 10th year anniversary. In private. So I don’t really know what they did to celebrate. But I imagine they had a nice home-cooked dinner, and John probably got Emily an expensive, thoughtful gift, and there was probably the intension to have intercourse. But it’s been 10 years. Sometimes having the intension is more than enough.
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FIVE.
Jessica Simpson is now 40 years old! She celebrated the last day of her 30s by slipping into a pair of jeans she’s held on for 14 years, then took a picture of herself wearing them, and posted it on Instagram as a way of showing off her slim figure. Most people just get a drink or go for dinner, but whatever.
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SIX.
Zendaya secretly filmed a brand new movie during the pandemic. What a show-off. She probably read that meme about Isaac Newton developing the “theory of gravity” while stuck at home during the plague, and figured she should do something productive too. Here’s a slow clap for you, Zendaya. *Clap. Silence. Clap*.
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SEVEN.
Chris Evans and Lily James are probably, most likely, almost definitely, dating. They’ve been seen together not once, but TWICE. Now, the two of them may well just be close friends, but we’re all bored right now, we need to think these two beautiful people are feeling butterflies in their tiny stomachs when they are sitting close to each other—even if what they’re feeling is just acid reflux.
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EIGHT.
Billie Eilish almost went to therapy for her Justin Bieber obsession because she would cry and cry for hours while listening to the Biebs’ songs. If that’s what it takes to be as successful as she is though, bring me a Bieber’s CD and I’ll also sob in a fetal position to one of his lame songs.
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NINE.
Charlize Theron said she has no interest in dating anyone right now. She’s happy being single. She’s wanted by many, taken by none. She’s single by choice, not by chance. She’s keeping calm and staying alone. She’s… well, you get the idea.
