On Sunday night, Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara looked head over heels for one another while attending the 92nd Academy Awards. The next day we agreed to meet at a cafe near their Los Angeles home to talk about his crazy success and their long-lasting relationship.
Bea: Hello you two, thank you for doing this with me.
Rooney: Of course.
Joaquin: You’re welcome.
Bea: I’m so happy to meet you. Joaquin, you are brilliant. You are just brilliant.
Joaquin: Thank you.
Bea: Congratulations on your Academy Award, you absolutely deserve it.
Joaquin: Thanks!
Bea: Seriously, I’ve been telling everyone to watch you in ‘Marriage Story’.
Joaquin: I am not in that movie.
*Silence*
Bea: You’re not?
Joaquin: No.
Bea: It’s a shame. It’s a great movie.
*Silence*
Bea: So how long have you two been together?
Rooney: Three and a half years.
Joaquin to Rooney: Has it really been that long?
Rooney: Yes, love.
Joaquin to Rooney: Best three and a half years of my entire life, baby.
Bea: Have you ever pooped in front of each other?
Rooney: Once. It was an accident. I opened the bathroom door thinking no one was in there, and now his pooping face will haunt me forever.
Joaquin: Let’s not talk about it. It’s too painful.
*Both actors look away from each other*
Bea: I’m sorry I asked.
Rooney: We are okay.
Bea: Joaquin, what is your favorite part of Rooney’s body?
Joaquin: Her eyes. Her gaze is so sharp as if lined with shards of glass around the edges.
*Silence*
Bea: Sure.
Rooney: That’s beautiful, my love.
Bea: Rooney, what is your favorite part of Joaquin’s body?
Rooney: His armpits.
*Silence*
Bea: What’s so special about Joaquin’s armpits?
Rooney: They’re really soft.
Bea: Ew. Don’t be gross.
*Silence*
Bea: If you hadn’t met each other, where would you be right now?
Rooney: I would be miserable! Life wouldn’t be the same without him. Right, baby?
Joaquin: Right. I’d probably be in Miami. I like how hot it is there.
