I must live close to Ben Affleck because I almost always run into him during my daily walks. I don’t usually approach him because 8 out of 10 times he’s doing something unpleasant like exchanging saliva with his girlfriend, or singing. Someone should tell him that singing in public is something only homeless people get to do. The rest of us sing in our homes.
Today, I ran into Ben again. He had his arms around Ana de Armas as they were walking their respective dogs. I was in a good mood so I said hello.
Bea: So funny running into you two again!
Ben Affleck: I know. Practically every day.
Bea: I’m loving this weather.
Ben Affleck: Yes, it’s gorgeous!
Ben looked at Ana and began to molest her mouth. She didn’t seem to mind, but I was offended for her. Also, I was talking to them!
Bea: I love your dog, Ana! What’s his name?
Ana: Elvis… He’s my baby!
Bea: Aww, he’s like a cute white rat.
I kneeled down to pet Elvis and Ben stuck his long tongue in Ana’s ear and began licking it inside out. I must have made a face because…
Ana: Ben, stop it….
Ben: Why? You love it when I do this…
I thought that would be the end of it, but then Ana turned to Ben and devoured his mouth like an anaconda devours an afraid little squirrel. I was too shocked to look away.
Bea: Eww.
That didn’t make them stop. Instead, Ben began making sex noises.
Bea: Eww, eww, eww.
Ben’s dog started barking at an actual squirrel. Fortunately, that pulled Ben’s arm and that separated his mouth from Ana’s.
Ben Affleck: We better go. He’s getting impatient.
They left without saying goodbye. I stood there for another 13 minutes trying to process what the fuck had just happened.
Read other interviews by Bea:
—Orlando Bloom Admits He’s Having Problems with Katy Perry While She’s Pregnant with Their Baby
— Mary-Kate Olsen Opens Up About Her Divorce in Rare Interview
—Meghan Markle Gives an Unexpected Tour of Her LA Mansion (with Pictures)
