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Tom Cruise is currently making headlines after audio of him yelling at about 50 crew members was leaked this week. The actor was reportedly beside himself after seeing two guys standing “within two meters of each other”—very clearly breaking safety rules. 

My name is Justin Adler and I flew to London to visit Tom on the set of “Mission Impossible 7” to talk about what happened. Here’s everything that was said: 

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Adler: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Tom.

Tom: Thank you.

Adler: As you can see, I came prepared… I’m wearing my N95 mask…. And I brought my own chair to sit six feet away from you. 

Tom: [smiles] Good.

Adler: I also brought mace… in case someone tries to get close. 

Tom: Well, that’s—

Adler: Don’t worry. If someone gets close to you, I’ll spray them too…

Tom: That’s really not necessary. 

Adler: No, seriously. I got you…. And the blindness it causes is only temporarily so chances are you won’t get sued…

Tom: [whispers to his security guard:] Please don’t let this guy spray the cast and crew.

Adler: I know you probably get this all the time but it’s such an honor to—

Tom: [laughs] That’s really kind of you to say…

Adler: No, I mean… an honor to meet Simon Pegg… We chatted for a bit while I was waiting for you… But yeah, you too. 

Tom: Simon? Right… He’s a good guy.

Adler: A good guy?! He’s the best part of the Mission Impossible movies!

Tom: [silence]

Adler: A… after you.

Tom: [silence]

Adler: Anyway…. I wanted to ask you about…. well… you know….

Tom: [gives a blank stare]

Adler: You know… 

Tom: [silence]

Adler: Don’t make me say it, man…. I know that you KNOW. 

Tom: [keeps giving a blank stare]

Adler: Fine! I’ll say it… about how you lost your shit with two crew members! … And someone recorded you… and then some sneaky fellow—probably one of the guys that you scarred for life and will be in deep need of therapy after this— leaked it to the press…. 

Tom: [after a short pause] I just reminded them of the stakes of breaking a social distancing rule on set. 

Adler: A reminder that will cause them one or 97 nightmares, I’m sure. 

Tom: Listen, I have been working very hard to have the production follow the rules so that we may continue filming in a pandemic. A lot is riding on us being able to pull this off safely….

Adler: Of course…

Tom: The rules are really simple to follow… wear a mask and practice social distancing at all times. If you can’t handle that, then you need to go home. 

Adler: AMEN, Thomas!

Tom: We are creating thousands of jobs and I won’t apologize for not willing to risk everything just because two guys decided they were above the rules…

Adler: I… I totally agree, man…. I mean, you did it in the worst possible way, and those two guys will have psychological damage for a few years… but behind your yelling and cursing lies a deeper and true point: you have some anger issues. But also, the coronavirus pandemic has ravaged Hollywood, and what you’re trying to accomplish is… noble.  

Tom: Thank you. That—

Adler: Holy crap… Basically, what you’re trying to do is a… “Mission Impossible” [starts singing the movie’s theme song:] 🎶 turu-ruuuun… turu-ruuuun. Tun. tun. Tun tun tun tun. Tun tun tun tun tun…🎶

Tom: [silence]

Adler: You know… like your movie! 

Tom: Yeah. I get it. 

Adler: That was really clever, wasn’t it?!…. It was. Sometimes I even shock myself…. 

Tom: Listen, I have to get back to work… so if you don’t have any more questions… [gets up and slowly starts walking away]

Adler: No no, you go, man. Keep up the good work! … I can’t wait to see your movie … And HEY!…. Maybe take up some therapy sessions? I mean, they can’t hurt….

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