This year has not been kind to Ellen Degeneres. If you Google her name in 2020, most of the articles written about her are of people saying she is not as nice as she wants everyone to believe. So I went to her house to find out the truth. This is everything that happened from the moment I arrived there:
[I get to Ellen’s home and on the front door I see a note that reads: “Go to the backyard.”]
[I don’t know if that note is for me or not, so I ring the doorbell.]
[Turns out that note was for me and some old lady in the house is now very upset that I can’t follow simple instructions.]
[Once in the yard, I see a man standing in the dark.]
Bea: STAY AWAY FROM ME!
Andy: What?
Bea: I do kickboxing once every three weeks… and I’m NOT afraid to kick you in the eyeball!
Andy: Wait, wait!! I’m Andy!
Bea: I don’t know any Andy!!
Andy: Andy Lassner!! I’m Ellen’s executive producer.
Bea: Oh… Oh, we spoke on the phone this morning. How are you?
Andy: [says nothing, catches his breath].
Bea: Anyway… how do I get in the house?
Andy: Ellen prefers that you stay outside while you do the interview.
Bea: Oh “Ellen prefers…”.
[I see Ellen sitting inside. We are separated by a thick glass wall.]
Ellen: alskdfdaslkfnasd
Bea: What did she say??!
Andy: She said to get comfortable.
Bea: I’m outside, there are no chairs!
[Silence]
Bea: Why can’t I hear what she’s saying??
Andy: Wait. I’m supposed to give you a drinking glass.
[Andy gives me a drinking glass]
Bea: What’s this for???
Andy: So you can hold the glass against the wall and listen, obviously.
[I hold the glass against the wall.].
Bea: This is ridiculous. Can you hear me, Ellen?
Ellen: Yes. Hi!
Bea: [exhales loudly] Let’s talk about the rumors going around that you are not as “nice” as people think you are.
Ellen: [pauses for a moment] Well…. I think no one is as nice as people think I am.
Bea: Yeah, but your brand is all about being ‘kind’, and people are saying you’re not always nice to them.
Ellen: Well, I try to be kind as much as I can. Am I perfect and nice and pleasant to be around 100% of the time? I think so. But I’ve been told that I’m not. And that’s fine.—
[I drop the glass. It breaks.]
Bea: Shit.
Ellen: skndcaaslndfasldnlsadaskdfmslkdfnsaldkfsaflkdsflasmfsklfmasdfkmadsfkam
Bea to Andy: Now what?!
Andy: That was my last glass.
Read more interviews by Bea:
—Kim Kardashian Admits She and Kanye Are “At Each Other’s Throats” Right Now
—Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas Find Out the Sex of Their Baby on Their Wedding Anniversary
—Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn Open Up About Quarantining Together in First Joint Interview
