As you probably know, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry sat down for a two-hour tell-all interview with Oprah and a lot of information was shared. The Sussexes opened up about ev-er-y-thing—from their decision to step away from the royal family to Harry’s relationship with the rest of the royals, and their new life in California.
What you’re probably just finding out right now, though, is that Her Majesty The Queen sat down with me for a half-hour conversation the next morning to talk about, well, the Commonwealth, but I managed to make it all about Meghan and Harry.
Please enjoy my conversation with The Queen of England:
Bea: Thanks for doing this with me yet again, Your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: [nods]
Bea: You look radiant, as always. A bit shocking considering what happened last night…
Queen Eilzabeth: [silence]
Bea: With Meghan and Harry’s interview, of course… I don’t know what you’re up to late at night. Cause I go to bed early.
Queen Elizabeth: *coughs*
Bea: Oh, no. Coughing is frowned upon now.
Queen Elizabeth: [silence]
Bea: You’ve been vaccinated, though, right? You’re good then… Cough away.
Queen Elizabeth: [silence]
Bea: But seriously, did you watch the interview, Your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth: I did not watch it… but I was briefed on what was discussed.
Bea: Oh, no. You gotta watch it… it was a doozy…
Queen Elizabeth: [silence]
Bea: But don’t worry, I taped it and I can easily send it to you… What’s your personal email?
Queen Elizabeth: …I know everything there is to know about the interview.
Bea: Surely not everything…
Queen Elizabeth: Yes. Everything.
Bea: Even about the…. [tries to imitate Oprah] ‘Were you silent, or were you silenced’?
Queen Elizabeth: Yes.
Bea: What about the Kate Middleton drama?
Queen Elizabeth: Also yes.
Bea: Surely not the [whispers] racist comments your family made?
Queen Elizabeth: … Everything, yes.
Bea: Holy… I feel bad for the patsy whose job it was to tell you all that.
Queen Elizabeth: [silence]
Bea: What a morning for them, am I right?
Queen Elizabeth: [silence]
Bea: Can you imagine?! [in a different tone of voice:] What did you do this morning? [in Bea’s regular voice] Oh nothing, just told the Queen that her family is racist and everyone knows it now…
Queen Elizabeth: *coughs*
Bea: Anyway, are you going to issue a statement and deny everything… or are you just going to cry yourself to sleep for a few nights?
Queen Elizabeth: …It’s been discussed. We are still unsure of how to proceed.
Bea: You could always ask William to have another child. Everyone loves babies. Make sure it’s with Kate Middleton, however.
Queen Elizabeth: [silence]
Bea: Let’s be honest, you really can’t afford another scandal, ma’am.
[Queen Elizabeth signals her staff that it’s time to end this conversation]
Bea: Well, I can see that our time has come to an end, unfortunately. But let’s hope to do this again…
Queen Elizabeth: [silence]
Bea: But not for a while.
.
Other things you might enjoy from Mock Diaries:
—Interview: Angelina Jolie Opens Up About the Real Reason She Wanted to Move so Close to Brad Pitt
—Interview: Jennifer Aniston Opens Up About Life and Aging On Her 52nd Birthday
