A few days ago I learned that Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green were having marital problems, and I immediately thought that I could help. I knew she was shooting a new movie so I called her with the pretext of wanting to interview her about that. This is how the conversation went after I arrived at her house:
Bea: Hi Megan. Thanks for doing this with me.
Megan: Well, you called me 47 times. I figured if I agreed to do this interview, you’d finally stop calling. Also, how did you get my parent’s number?
Bea: You counted how many times I called? That’s so nice.
Megan: No, it’s— Anyway… as I said on the phone, there’s not a lot to say about my new movie yet because we stopped shooting in March when the pandemic started.
Bea: Uh-huh. Is Brian here?
Megan: Uh… yeah, he came to play with the kids. He’s upstairs—
Bea: BRIAN??? [pause] BRIAN??!
Megan: Why are you calling him? He’s not in the movie. You don’t need to speak to him.
Brian: What’s going on? Is everything okay?
Bea: No, it’s not, Brian.
[Brian looks confused.]
Bea: Your marriage is falling apart and we need to talk about it.
Megan: Excuse me?!
Brian: What?!
Bea: It is no secret that you are thinking of getting a divorce, and it’s also no secret that I took a psychology class online six years ago, so… I think I can really help you.
Megan: Are you kidding me right now?
Bea: The session would be free of charge, if money is what you’re worried about.
Megan: Please leave my house NOW!
[Brian grabs a chair and sits down.]
Brian: You really think you can help?
Megan: *to Brian* Are you serious right now?!
Brian: *to Megan* Let’s just give her a chance.
Megan: *to Brian* You always do this! You always agree to weird shit like this.
Bea: And how does that make you feel, Megan?
Megan: Like I’m the one who has to be the rational one all the time!
Bea: That’s not fair…
Megan: It’s not. We have three kids, but sometimes I feel like a single mom, and he’s my fourth child.
Bea: Well, that’s exactly why we’re here… to talk about how Brian is screwing up this marriage.
Brian: Perhaps this isn’t a good idea after all…
Megan: You see? This is what he does, he commits to things and the moment it gets tough, he backs out.
Bea: It sounds like he’s too sensitive and emotional.
Megan: You’re right. He’s a Cancer so he’s all about feelings and he cries about everything.
Brian: No, I don’t! I don’t cry!
Megan: You called me crying TWICE last night.
Brian: I was overwhelmed! There were too many options on Netflix and I couldn’t decide what to watch.
Bea: Really? Usually, I can’t find anything interesting on Netflix.
Megan: Can we PLEASE focus?!
Bea: Right.
[My phone rings.]
Bea: It’s my boyfriend.
[I walk to a different room to take the call. When I come back, Megan and Brian are still fighting.]
Bea: I gotta go.
Megan: What? Why? We’re in the middle of something important here.
Bea: Yeah but he made chicken lasagna. And it’s going to get cold.
Read more interviews by Bea:
—Meghan Markle Gives an Unexpected Tour of Her LA Mansion (with Pictures)
—Mary-Kate Olsen Opens Up About Her Divorce in Rare Interview
—Ellen Degeneres Finally Addresses Those Nasty Rumors that She’s Not Nice
