I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like Queen Elizabeth II. People always talk about how hard she works, how smart she is, and how at 94-years-old she still has the cheekbones of a 7-year-old. On top of all of her accomplishments, she was recently photographed riding a horse. Is there anything this gentlewoman can’t do? (!!!) Joan, my editor, ordered me to find out.
After fifteen hours of non-stop googling, I found the official phone number of Windsor Castle, where she’s been self-isolating with her husband Prince Philip, and 22 members of her staff. The first time I called, a man with a British accent picked up. He said the Queen was “taking a bath” and she was “unable to come to the phone right now”.
Forty minutes later, I called again. A different man picked up this time, but he also said the Queen was “taking a bath”. Is that code for something or how long are this woman’s bathtimes?? I waited an extra hour and called again… This time the Queen picked up the phone herself.
Queen Elizabeth: Hello?
Bea: Is this the Queen?
Queen Elizabeth: Yes, it is.
Holy mother of Jesus Christ, she talks slowly.
Queen Elizabeth: Hello?
Bea: Yes, hi!
Queen Elizabeth: What is it, dear?
Dear? How unprofessional of her.
Bea: How are you, Your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth: I’m alright. Thank you for asking.
Bea: How’s Prince Philip?
Queen Elizabeth: He’s currently taking a bath.
That’s gotta be code for something.
Queen Elizabeth: Is there anything else?
Well, I hope so. Otherwise, this has been the most boring interview in the history of interviews.
Bea: Yes. I would like to ask you about your relationship with Prince Philip and if being in lockdown together has made it stronger or weaker?
Queen Elizabeth: Huh… No one has asked me that before.
Bea: Very few people care, I guess.
Queen Elizabeth: We have been married for over 70 years… and I can’t remember a time where we have spent more time together than now.
Bea: That doesn’t answer my question at all.
Queen Elizabeth: Our relationship, like any other relationship, has had its ups and downs throughout the years. But at this moment, I believe it would be fair to say that we enjoy each other’s companies very much.
Bea: That’s sweet. Meanwhile, Lucas is driving me bananas. He gets all hot and bothered over the smallest things, like if I start singing while he’s on a work call. I’ll have you know I’m a terrific singer.
Queen Elizabeth: Who is this Lucas person?
Bea: My boyfriend… We live together.
Queen Elizabeth: Perhaps you should not sing when he is on a call.
Bea: He’s a criminal lawyer. He’s always on the phone.
[Silence]
At this point in our conversation, I realized this was an international call, and this little chat with the queen was gonna cost more than my month’s salary.
Bea: Thank you for your time, Your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: We can talk more about relationships. It’s okay.
I hung up.
Read more interviews by Bea:
—Kris Jenner Opens Up About THAT Forbes Article that Called Kylie a Fraud
—Kate Middleton Admits She and Prince William Are Trying to Be More ‘Hip’
—Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas Can’t Stop Touching Each Other and It’s Grossing People Out
