“Prince Philip turns 99 years old today”, said Joan (editor of mockdiaries.com) to all of us this morning. “We were able to convince him to give us a short interview via Skype. Who wants to do it?”. Kevin raised his hand, so I said I’d do it. I don’t like Kevin, and I don’t like it when he gets what he wants.
“Okay. Interview’s at 10 am,” Joan said to me. “I should warn you, Prince Philip doesn’t like his birthday, he hates doing interviews and technology is not his friend.” Great.
“I’ll do it. You clearly don’t want to”, Kevin told me in private, after the meeting was over.
“Other than petting a baby chimpanzee in its natural habitat, Kevin, there is nothing else I want to do more in this world”, I lied.
At exactly 10 am, I got a Skype call from the royal staff. I then waited 42 minutes for them to set up the iPad in front of the Duke, and figure out how to clip the microphone on his shirt.
Bea: Thanks for doing this with me, Prince Philip. Can you see me on your screen okay?
Prince Philip: Yes.
I don’t think he could see me at all. He wasn’t even looking in my direction.
Bea: It’s a really big day today…
Prince Philip: It is, yes.
Bea: It’s National Iced Tea day. I really like iced tea.
Prince Philip: [Silence]
Bea: I prefer it over hot tea. Don’t you?
Prince Philip: [pause] I like hot tea better.
Bea: I guess that makes sense, you being British and all…
That doesn’t make sense at all. But he didn’t seem to be in the mood to debate the issue, so I let it go.
Bea: Happy birthday, by the way.
Prince Philip: Thank you.
Bea: One more year and you will have lived a century…
Prince Philip: That’s correct.
Bea: Do you think you’ll make it?
Prince Philip: [Silence]
Bea: You look healthy. Odds are looking good, I think.
Prince Philip: [Silence]
Bea: But I bet even now you have a lot of wisdom to impart, don’t you?
Prince Philip: I suppose so.
Bea: Do you care to share some of it?
Prince Philip: [after a long pause] Life… is delicate. And if you neglect yourself, you’ll spoil.
Bea: Wow. Like cheese.
Prince Philip: [Silence]
Bea: Anyway, do you get professional haircuts?
Prince Philip: [Silence]
Bea: It’s just… you always look so put together.
Prince Philip: [Silence]
Bea: Well, thank you for your time, Prince Philip.
Prince Philip: You’re welcome.
Bea: I hope…uh… I hope we can do this again next year.
Call it a sixth sense or whatever, but I have a feeling he wishes we do not.
More interviews by Bea:
—Queen Elizabeth II Opens Up About Her Relationship with Her Husband Prince Philip
—Meghan Markle Gives an Unexpected Tour of Her LA Mansion (with Pictures)
