This morning, Joan, my editor, told me Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger are having their baby very soon. “They should go to a hospital,” I told her. She ignored me ~as always~ and ordered me to do whatever was necessary to get an exclusive interview with either of them.
Joan always says things like that, “do whatever’s necessary” and “just get the job done”, but then gets upset whenever a celeb gets a restraining order to keep me away. Lucky for her though, I’ve interviewed Chris Pratt in the past so I didn’t have to do anything crazy to get to him this time. I did, however, may have told Chris I work for The New York Times.
Bea: Thanks for doing this with me, Chris.
Chris: Oh, it’s my pleasure.
Bea: You have a lovely home.
Chris: Thank you very much!
Bea: Too bad for the rancid smell, but I hope it’s just something rotting in your kitchen and not your house’s usual scent.
Chris: I don’t smell anything.
It didn’t occur to me at the time that it could’ve just been him who smelled bad. Probably for the best though. People tend to not like hearing that about themselves.
Bea: I heard you’re about to become a father for the second time. How are you feeling?
Chris: Oh it’s a—
Bea: More importantly, how does your ex-wife feel about you fathering a child with another woman?
Chris: Anna?
Bea: Sure. Unless you have another ex-wife people don’t know about…
For a second there I thought he was gonna tell me he’d been married more than once before, and I thought to myself ‘this is how I win my first Pulitzer’.
Chris: I don’t think it matters but she’s … she’s fine.
Bea: IS SHE?
Chris: I think so…yeah… I hope so…
Bea: Good. It’s important to make sure ex-wives are happy, I think.
Chris: [long pause] I guess.
Bea: Where’s Katherine? Is she here?
Chris: She’s upstairs, taking a nap.
Bea: Of course. Making a baby is exhausting.
Chris: That’s what she keeps telling me…
Bea: Tell me something, how many times did you try to impregnate her before it finally stuck?
Chris: Excuse me?
Bea: How many times did you try to—
Chris: That is none of—
Bea: Or was it an accident? ‘Cause it was pretty soon after you guys got married.
Chris: It was planned!
Bea: Oh, okay, good. Just checking.
[Silence]
Bea: Have you decided if she’s going to deliver vaginally?
Chris: That’s too personal!
Bea: So, you don’t know?
Chris: We haven’t talked about it, no.
Bea: You might wanna have that conversation sooner rather than later. You don’t want to be caught unprepared in the delivery room.
Chris: Of course.
Bea: I’m assuming you’ll be in the delivery room with her, correct?
Chris: Of course…. yes…. if she wants me there, I’ll be there.
Bea: Do you not want to be there?
Chris: I don’t like blood.
God help that Katherine lady. He’s lovely and very attractive but … god help her.
Bea: Well, I think I have enough. I’ll call you if I need any more details.
Chris: Of course. When can I see this interview published in The New York Times?
Bea: Huh?
Chris: When are you publishing this?
Bea: Soon, soon.
Chris: I have Google alerts for my name so…
Bea: Uh-huh. Bye.
Chris Pratt, if you’re reading this, Joan said to do ‘whatever it takes’. Also, read about what happens in the delivery room, you seem awfully underprepared.
Read more interviews by Bea:
—Mary-Kate Olsen Opens Up About Her Divorce in Rare Interview
—Queen Elizabeth II Opens Up About Her Relationship with Her Husband Prince Philip
—Kris Jenner Opens Up About THAT Forbes Article that Called Kylie a Fraud
