Today, I was invited to the White House to speak with Melania Trump. And by ‘invited’ I mean I showed up and lied to the Secret Service that I had an interview with her. The First Lady has a tendency to forget what she’s supposed to do in the day, so I knew she and her staff would just assume they had dropped the ball and ‘forgot’ all about me.
Fifteen minutes after I’d arrived, her staff had arranged everything for our interview and I was sitting in a beautiful room with a very sleepy First Lady of the United States of America. To her credit, it was pretty late—almost 7:00 pm.
Bea: Thank you for doing this with me, Melania.
Melania: Yes, of course.
Bea: I don’t care what my family, and my friends, and friends of my friends, and friends of my family say, it is an honor to be here.
Melania: Thank you.
Bea: Like I say to everyone all the time, it is not your fault you married an egocentric buffoon who is ruining America….
Melania: Excuse me?
Bea: Of course you’re excused. You didn’t know! Honest mistake.
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: So what’s it been like living in the White House?
Melania: It’s … it’s been good.
Bea: It must be exciting to think that you’re sleeping in the same room where other people have had sex in.
Melania: What—what other people?
Bea: Well, just every other president and First Lady before you… Well, maybe with the exception of Hillary and Bill Clinton.
Melania: No. It’s not weird for me. I’d never thought about that until now.
Bea: Really?
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: You don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal, but… do you ever watch tv in your room?
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: That’s too personal, isn’t it?
Melania: No.
Bea: No, it isn’t too personal…. or no, you don’t watch tv in your room?
Melania: I don’t like tv. I don’t watch tv in the room or anywhere else.
Bea: WHAT??? That’s crazyyyyyy.
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: Sorry. What I meant to say is, ‘Really? That’s interesting.’
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: So… what is Donald Trump like in the mornings?
Melania: He’s like any other man… What people forget sometimes is that my husband is a normal human being.
Bea: A very flawed one. Yeah, we know.
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: What was it like the first time you laid eyes on Donald? Was it love at first sight or are you still working on the love part?
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: [Silence]
Bea: Do you think people focus too much on your looks and don’t even realize you’re also a very quiet person?
Melania: [Silence]
Bea: *to the staff* Is she awake?
Staff: Perhaps we should let Mrs. Trump rest now. It’s been a long day for her.
Bea: Looks like she’s already resting.
[Silence]
Melania: I’m—Do you have any more questions for me?
Bea: Uhh…. I just want to thank you for this, and to tell you to ‘hang in there’. He’s old… It probably won’t be too long before… you know… he retires.
I left the White House feeling pretty good about myself. The next morning, however, Joan, my editor, said she received an email from the White House saying they realized they never agreed to do an interview with me.
“Oh, really?” I said to Joan with a smile. “That’s odd. Oh well, what you gonna do? It already happened.”
Read more interviews by Bea:
—Prince Philip Opens Up About Being Almost 100 Years Old, Literally
—Queen Elizabeth II Opens Up About Her Relationship with Her Husband Prince Philip
—Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas Can’t Stop Touching Each Other and It’s Grossing People Out
Your dumb, and what you did was mean!